I’m not married, but have that problem with expecting certain acts With different providers. It gets confusing when you see 3-4 providers regularly, to keep track of who likes DFK, or which girls rim you, or who does good pm and who does painful ones. I guess it would be harder, with a wife, if some spa girl taught you something and you really want the wife to learn it after 20 years of marriage.
Aside from being really curious why you stay married, I’m also wondering if you ever considered marriage counseling if you want to stay. Seems like she isn’t holding up her end of the marriage contract, and the counselor would come down on your side. Don’t answer if it’s prying.
https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/love/how-to-last-through-the-5-stages-of-love/
Those who have gone thru this process are very unlikely to throw it away.
When I was going thru counseling, I was spending 100 dollars a session and in the end I would end up DIY.
Now I have found the true solution to complete happiness because I go thru a session with a professional who knows how to alleviate pain and in the end I leave happy.