An Inspiration for the Married guys

[stinkweed56]

I'm married, in my 60's, been in the hobby since I was in and out of my early 20's

Married/family life is stable, financially secure but romantically and sexually void

Seeing the girls gives me what I am missing. Sometimes I fall way to far for one of them. But it keeps me able to stay married and generally happy (long as I never get caught). Staying Married keeps me grounded enough to keep me from emptying all my savings into whichever girl I am into at the present time.

As per the Philosopher Michel De Montaigne "An acceptance of the duality of the human condition (man's spiritual aspirations, counterbalanced by the physical limitations of the body) enables Man to pursue the 'Masterpiece of Living Well'.

Moderation was his philosophy, and mine too

 

[stinkweed56]

To put Montaigne's quote in my own words:

To be a good person you need to do what you are supposed to do
To be happy, you may hove to do things your NOT supposed to do

 

[Oweyz1]

To put Montaigne's quote in my own words:

To be a good person you need to do what you are supposed to do
To be happy, you may hove to do things your NOT supposed to do

You do the things you have to do
so you can do the things you want to do

 

[metal rat]

By doing the things you want to do, you don’t mind doing the things you have to do, as much. Tends to make an AMP visit the sweeter.

 

[lohay33751]

Everything in moderation, including moderation.

 

[chunfun]

Don't $#!+ where you eat.
But you gotta eat, and you gotta $#!+

 

[jim_hatez]

Not trying to argue with your post but what is inspirational about this? The fact you didn't get caught?

 

[stinkweed56]

Not trying to argue with your post but what is inspirational about this? The fact you didn't get caught?

No.
Justification, for those seeking it, for breaking the sacred vows of holy matrimony for a personal pleasure. People need what they need. Perhaps 'Inspiration' was the wrong description. But its nice to know, the desire is perfectly natural and that others feel the same way

 

[jim_hatez]

No.
Justification, for those seeking it, for breaking the sacred vows of holy matrimony for a personal pleasure. People need what they need. Perhaps 'Inspiration' was the wrong description. But its nice to know, the desire is perfectly natural and that others feel the same way

Ah ok, appreciate you explaining a bit more. I'm glad you are able to feel like that, unfortunately for me, I haven't been feeling good about my hobbying.

Of course I love the sessions, too much so in fact of the matter. But the guilt over time for me becomes a heavier burden.

I can easily rationalize to myself what I do, but I can't make myself believe it's ok. I feel like a total scumbag and traitor. Even though I am not getting at home what I need I can't be dishonest. This is a shitty thing to do to someone if you are married.

Can I stop? I don't think I can. At least, not completely.

I never wanted to live a life of lies. But it's too late now, because that's exactly what I'm doing. And I know I have betrayed many people in the process.

But I still can't seem to stop. Life is a conundrum.

 

[Ronin]

Marriage was originally utilized to link families for economic gain. The participants rarely had anything to say about it as it was arranged between the parents. Also started at a time when the average life span was 35 or 40 years. It’s an antiquated institution that needs serious modifications given all differences in the human condition today. I’ve always said it should be a renewable contract.
Perhaps the title of the thread should’ve been Philosophical considerations for the modern married man.
The hobby is addictive. It’s a fat genie out of the bottle that will never go back in. There’s no rationalizing that makes it ok, married or single. Like JH I constantly grapple with the moral and ethical issues of participation…but continue to indulge.

 

[Valida]

... I feel like a total scumbag and traitor. Even though I am not getting at home what I need I can't be dishonest. This is a shitty thing to do to someone if you are married.

"Not giving you at home what you need (and what she vowed to give)" is also a shitty thing to do to the one she married. Think balance.

Hope this helps.

 

[stinkweed56]

believe me, I have gone thru MANY guilt trips and soul searches over the years. Still do. And I hate the stress it puts on me always trying to come up with some excuse for my 'disappearances'
Every attempt to quit has been pointless. So rather than spend the rest of my blaming myself, I have accepted, as did Montaigne, that this is true nature.

 

[stinkweed56]

Marriage was originally utilized to link families for economic gain. The participants rarely had anything to say about it as it was arranged between the parents. Also started at a time when the average life span was 35 or 40 years. It’s an antiquated institution that needs serious modifications given all differences in the human condition today. I’ve always said it should be a renewable contract..

Agree.
The idea that civilization is structured around EVERYONE being paired off for life is fine for the folks for whom its fine with, but shouldnt be something that the rest are supposed to be expected to live by/ I know men who seem to be content with the 'one woman for life' thing but they are typically kind of limited and sometimes simplistic types (although, to be fair, they often successful professionally)

At the end of the day, if 2 people want to be monogamous for life, there is nothing to stop them, with or without a legal contract.

 

[jim_hatez]

"Not giving you at home what you need (and what she vowed to give)" is also a shitty thing to do to the one she married. Think balance.

Hope this helps.

I don't disagree with you... but you could also argue I should end it if I am not getting what I need. The messed up part for me is mostly life is good outside the sex. The sex is even fine (if not spectacular, things get stale after decades probably for most people) when it happens but it's always AT BEST once a week. I know some guys here have gone months, 6 months, a year or longer with their wife/SO. So my situation probably seems great compared to some. But it's all relative. Will I survive if I don't hobby and only have monotonous sex once a week? Sure I will survive. But I won't be happy and will be on a hair trigger most of the time which is bad for all my relationships.

It sucks to have to choose your own happiness over your family's. Ideally it would be aligned and life would be good and easy. I guess that's not just real life.

Sorry if I brought any of you down. Not my intent. Just decided to inject some real talk from my perspective, that as much as I love aspects of the hobby, it's certainly not all rainbows and roses for me.

 

[Don Hollinger]

Not everyone has to wrestle with existential angst over a tryst with a consenting adult. Sex, mindless sex and the lightness of being, is about letting go.

My wife is another consenting adult who understands that my needs haven't been met at home for nearly two decades. So she lets me go out in a don't ask, don't tell agreement. I'm discrete, I visit nice prostitutes in nice apartments. This doesn't mean that I get to tell my wife that I'll be banging Jisoo that day. I respect my wife and appreciate her understanding.

“The person who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The person who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever seen before.” – Albert Einstein

I walk alone into apartments, and find myself in places with ladies that I never dreamed I'd be seeing. I'm a fucking Einstein.

 

[SJ_Jav]

Not everyone has to wrestle with existential angst over a tryst with a consenting adult. Sex, mindless sex and the lightness of being, is about letting go.

My wife is another consenting adult who understands that my needs haven't been met at home for nearly two decades. So she lets me go out in a don't ask, don't tell agreement. I'm discrete, I visit nice prostitutes in nice apartments. This doesn't mean that I get to tell my wife that I'll be banging Jisoo that day. I respect my wife and appreciate her understanding.

“The person who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The person who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever seen before.” – Albert Einstein

I walk alone into apartments, and find myself in places with ladies that I never dreamed I'd be seeing. I'm a fucking Einstein.

I knew you were smart but you're actually a genius!

 

[Ronin]

Have you ever noticed how similar monogamous and monotonous are? I suspect those responsible for the constructs of the English language were already light years ahead of us hundreds of years ago .
On a more serious note, I have been pursuing that completely honest life for years without success. It’s hard, and maybe impossible, in a conventional social environment

 

[PorterD]

I really don’t ever judge others on their behavior but since this is that discussion …. It feels like two things are existing in this topic, marriage is terrible yet people are staying married even in a sexless relationship. So; despite the pitfalls; marriage must certainly mean quite a bit to many. I’m single. Probably for life. Marriage is to much of a risk and I love my freedom to go where I want without having to answer to someone. I’m lonely; I’ll probably die alone. But the alternative? No thank you.

 

[lohay33751]

I really don’t ever judge others on their behavior but since this is that discussion …. It feels like two things are existing in this topic, marriage is terrible yet people are staying married even in a sexless relationship. So; despite the pitfalls; marriage must certainly mean quite a bit to many. I’m single. Probably for life. Marriage is to much of a risk and I love my freedom to go where I want without having to answer to someone. I’m lonely; I’ll probably die alone. But the alternative? No thank you.

Same here… would rather stay single than end up in one of these situations. Marriage is too big of a gamble. Even if the woman is perfect now will you two still be compatible after 20,30, 40 years of changes?

Guy at my work seemed like he had a very happy marriage a few years ago. Now half his paycheck goes to his wife and he has to work weekends to pay rent. Marriage is a fool’s game.

 

[jim_hatez]

Same here… would rather stay single than end up in one of these situations. Marriage is too big of a gamble. Even if the woman is perfect now will you two still be compatible after 20,30, 40 years of changes?

Yes and no. I think it depends if you want to have kids or not. I have lot of friends who don't want kids and don't and got married. That shit I totally don't understand.

I would never have gotten married if I didn't want kids. Period.

But I did want them.

And now I got them, I fear losing their love if I ever get my cover blown.

I'm more afraid of that than losing the SO. I think that I would be able to live with, although it would be hard and I would be depressed awhile. But if my kids didn't want to talk to me anymore and hated me? I might have to jump.