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Dead Bedroom

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Densetu

Registered Member
Messages: 2
Joined
#1
#1
A lot of great info and valuable insight on this forum but I would appreciate some input.

I am in a dead bedroom. Sex stopped in September as my wife battled some personal issues. We did it one time last month for the first time since then, and it was great to be honest. Otherwise a good and loving relationship, no resentment outside the lack of sex. There is intimacy, physical touch, cuddling that I know a lot of you crave from what I've read here but aren't getting. But the lack of sex is really gnawing at me.

She's committed to working on it, and I do have hope of improvement and last month was a good step in that direction. But my patience wears thin. Honestly I am weak. I think about it all the time to the point of being distracted and it feels like it is tearing me apart. But equally I feel like if I took care of needs elsewhere that would also gnaw at me. I feel like either choice would make me miserable.

I realize it might be a breach of ettiquette to ask for advice here without providing any contribution first, but I feel like there's some expertise here. I'm not a moron, I know how to search reviews and conduct basic research, but I would love to hear some veteran opinions on this.
 
Drjon7

Drjon7

Review Contributor
Messages: 566
Reviews: 44
Joined
#3
#3
This hobby is very addicting, and for good reason and once you start it’s very hard to stop. If you really want to make your marriage work but you need some release, you can get a massage and HJ. It’s not as intimate as FS. Maybe that can get you by for the time being. One great FS session and you’ll be banging every week and it’s a shit thing to do to a good woman or a marriage you really care about. You’ll be much happier if you can make it work w your wife.
 
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East Lake II

Review Contributor
Messages: 2,973
Reviews: 90
Joined
#4
#4
“… I feel like if I took care of needs elsewhere that would also gnaw at me.” In other words you would feel guilty. If that’s how you feel, and what you know, don’t visit an AMP. Likely you will be able to work things out with your wife and you don’t want any guilt that will gnaw at you. One of the best feelings in the world is not having any guilt. To that end, don’t do anything that will bring on feelings of guilt.
 
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Densetu

Registered Member
Messages: 2
Joined
#7
#7
Wow I didn't expect to get much response. I really appreciate it. I think my takeaway here is that I really shouldn't consider pursuing this unless I am in a hopeless situation. I have a lot of reason to believe that isn't the case, and it seems that y'all aren't recommending this as a short-term fix. Maybe I will play a bit of grabass at the strip club or something to tide me over but I am going to steer clear of FS and AMPs for the time being.

Thanks again.
 
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briancalled

Registered Member
Messages: 165
Reviews: 1
Joined
#9
#9
You didn’t mention your wife’s age, but this could be a symptom of early menopause. If the sex you did recently have was great, and all other aspects of the marriage are fine , I urge you to get to the root of the problem. Any resistance- make the OB-GYN appointment for her and accompany her there. Could also be hormone imbalance unrelated to menstrual issues. And in conjunction maybe find a good marriage counselor/therapist. As others have mentioned, this hobby can be very addicting or at the very least, a lot of juvenile fun doing something you know is wrong and eventually not caring about it.
 
Chicagoboy

Chicagoboy

Review Contributor
Messages: 1,772
Reviews: 114
Joined
#10
#10
Densetu said:
Wow I didn't expect to get much response. I really appreciate it. I think my takeaway here is that I really shouldn't consider pursuing this unless I am in a hopeless situation. I have a lot of reason to believe that isn't the case, and it seems that y'all aren't recommending this as a short-term fix. Maybe I will play a bit of grabass at the strip club or something to tide me over but I am going to steer clear of FS and AMPs for the time being.

Thanks again.
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It sounds like you and your wife are young and a few months of no sex is no big deal at my age. I'm willing to bet most guys here are like me and we're talking years of no sex. When you hit that point what is left to do. Masturbate while watching porn gets old real quick as I found out. But be warned that after you hit up an AMP for the first time there will be many more visits. Another thing is your finances will have to allow it.
 
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jim_hatez

Moderator
Messages: 1,925
Reviews: 175
Joined
#12
#12
It's hard to give you good advice without knowing what the "personal" issues are. Can you elaborate? No one knows who you are, just don't give away info which could let anyone figure it out (just in case).

Many years ago my wife had an unexpected/tragic death in her family. Her drive went to 0 for about 6 months. I was not mongering at that time just jerking it 2x a day. I was very patient but after 6 months I was like WTF I get this sucks bad but I'm here and I need you. Still never got back to what it used to be. I don't think that's an issue anymore but now it's other shit, stress, tired, this hurts, that hurts. Always a complaint. I could probably push the issue but I don't like that. I only enjoy sex with a woman who enjoys it with me and wants to be there - whether she wants to be there because of the $$ or she likes me I don't care much. As long as she is upbeat and willingly participating.

Without that, I have no choice but to hobby. Unless I wanna be miserable and angry all the time and have everyone hate my guts. That's not an option for me. Sucks because I don't like dishonesty/cheating but I'm not the one who "changed" so drastically.
 
OlderGuy77

OlderGuy77

Registered Member
Messages: 683
Reviews: 20
Joined
#14
#14
Managing to have a lasting sex life in a marriage is very challenging. Men divorce and tolerate the anguish of support payments and visitations only to remarry and find themselves back in the same situation. Men and women are difference despite what the media says. My experience is that women gradually lose interest as they focus on children and the home. The smart well-balanced women will make an effort to fight the urge to ignore the sex. I think some women are influenced by Feminist rhetoric and quickly begin to view their husbands as pressuring and unreasonable. My experiences have taught me that many women feel entitled and view men as sort of dumb. Marriage is highly risky since you don't know how a woman will change and the penalties for leaving are unreasonably high. I've been divorced over twenty years and I would never entertain the idea of locking myself into a stringently enforced open ended legal contract such as this ever again. Loving and caring is one thing. Being afraid to leave due to the legal and financial consequences is something quite different. It reminds me of a picture I saw behind a bar of a good looking 40-something woman. Under it were the words: "Somewhere there is some guy who has just had enough of her crap"
 
P

PorterD

Registered Member
Messages: 919
Reviews: 1
Joined
#15
#15
I use to think that if a man isn’t happy with the sex life and she won’t change; he should just breakup and meet someone else. But as highlighted above; it’s not that easy and at best you end up back in the same place. At worst you get boned in divorce court and you die alone.
 
metal rat

metal rat

retnuhaps
Messages: 461
Reviews: 5
Joined
#16
#16
When I was married, my wife and I would go to a hotel for a change of scenery and lots of kinky sex, something about playtime at a hotel that heightened the eroticism I guess. It normally happened when traveling back home from visiting family, wasn’t but a two hour trip, wasn’t planned, we just brought it up and quickly found ourselves pulling in to book a room in the small towns along the highway, sometimes we didn’t stay long, sometimes we spent the night. Smoked a few puffs of weed and some drinks.
 
OlderGuy77

OlderGuy77

Registered Member
Messages: 683
Reviews: 20
Joined
#17
#17
metal rat said:
When I was married, my wife and I would go to a hotel for a change of scenery and lots of kinky sex, something about playtime at a hotel that heightened the eroticism I guess. It normally happened when traveling back home from visiting family, wasn’t but a two hour trip, wasn’t planned, we just brought it up and quickly found ourselves pulling in to book a room in the small towns along the highway, sometimes we didn’t stay long, sometimes we spent the night. Smoked a few puffs of weed and some drinks.
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metal rat said:
When I was married, my wife and I would go to a hotel for a change of scenery and lots of kinky sex, something about playtime at a hotel that heightened the eroticism I guess. It normally happened when traveling back home from visiting family, wasn’t but a two hour trip, wasn’t planned, we just brought it up and quickly found ourselves pulling in to book a room in the small towns along the highway, sometimes we didn’t stay long, sometimes we spent the night. Smoked a few puffs of weed and some drinks.
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metal rat said:
When I was married, my wife and I would go to a hotel for a change of scenery and lots of kinky sex, something about playtime at a hotel that heightened the eroticism I guess. It normally happened when traveling back home from visiting family, wasn’t but a two hour trip, wasn’t planned, we just brought it up and quickly found ourselves pulling in to book a room in the small towns along the highway, sometimes we didn’t stay long, sometimes we spent the night. Smoked a few puffs of weed and some drinks.
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I think my situation was not necessarily typical. My X had an agenda that was never shared. She was 40 when I married her and she had issues. She was very attractive, smart and charming. However, she was scared by awful parents including a flaming alcoholic father who was eventually driven off and the experience of a date rape which had some questionable circumstances. I scheduled an annual trip to the Islands with her choosing the place and hotel. $5K+ each year in the 90's with hammocks, vistas and plenty of great food and drink. I went 1 for 6 and the "1" wasn't memorable.
Change of scenery and patient quality face time should do the trick. It started to feel like a game after a while. In the end, during marriage counseling, she suggested that I buy some weed "to relax her". What a crock!! My response was: "what should I give her so that she'll smoke the weed?". I was not about to start chasing her around the room with a bong. Please note this is the same women who would fuck me any time any where before we were married and when I guess she was more "relaxed". I left over 20 years ago. It cost me a fortune but I never regretted it.
 
Nutopia1

Nutopia1

Registered Member
Messages: 1,563
Reviews: 10
Joined
#18
#18
OlderGuy77 said:
I think my situation was not necessarily typical. My X had an agenda that was never shared. She was 40 when I married her and she had issues. She was very attractive, smart and charming. However, she was scared by awful parents including a flaming alcoholic father who was eventually driven off and the experience of a date rape which had some questionable circumstances. I scheduled an annual trip to the Islands with her choosing the place and hotel. $5K+ each year in the 90's with hammocks, vistas and plenty of great food and drink. I went 1 for 6 and the "1" wasn't memorable.
Change of scenery and patient quality face time should do the trick. It started to feel like a game after a while. In the end, during marriage counseling, she suggested that I buy some weed "to relax her". What a crock!! My response was: "what should I give her so that she'll smoke the weed?". I was not about to start chasing her around the room with a bong. Please note this is the same women who would fuck me any time any where before we were married and when I guess she was more "relaxed". I left over 20 years ago. It cost me a fortune but I never regretted it.
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Why even try? Just P4P and everyone should be happy .
 
Don Hollinger

Don Hollinger

Registered Member
Messages: 432
Reviews: 7
Joined
#20
#20
Nutopia1 said:
My bedroom has been dead 15yrs
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I went 15 years without intimacies as well.

In terms of psychology it's empty love-commitment. I care for my wife's well being and have more than complied with the social contract that comes with marriage.

Using the same language, we experience infatuation with our hourly girlfriends.

And those of us who have the same hourly girlfriends that we actually like (and who actually like us), kick it up a notch-romantic love: passion+intimacy.

Here's the link:
Triangular theory of love
 
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